Why Can’t You Just Do What You’re Told?!
Although the trend may be changing today, there are probably few adults today who, as a child, escaped hearing the words I used as my title.
And behind closed doors, I wouldn’t be surprised if even the most permissive and patient parents at some point break down in a moment of frustration and some form of those words or another comes tumbling out.
No, this is not another article on parenting. I am a parent, yes, but it is not what I am writing about today.
It was my alarm that prompted this article.
I wrote out my schedule for today last night.
I set my alarm.
I even woke before my alarm went off.
5:24 AM.
Did I get out of bed at 5:24? No. I turned off the alarm, and settled back into the sheets for “just a couple more minutes.”
Twenty minutes later, I am out of bed finally, and on the way to the shower.
In the shower, I think to myself “Why can’t I just get up when I want to?”
Granted, it’s not like I slept in for a long time, but the fact that I lost a good fifteen minutes of writing time irked me a bit. And it’s not like I was sleeping deeply during those extra twenty minutes.
As I said the words “Why can’t I just…” to myself, I paused and reflected for a moment.
As the logical, rational adult that I strive to be, I realized that somewhere in my brain the reward for sleeping in was still greater than the reward of getting up when I decided to yesterday.
For any behavior we choose to engage in, there is, logically, the cumulative effect of that behavior on our future.
My brain is still hard-wired at some level to believe that “sleeping in” means freedom. That it means I am in charge. That getting up early (or even on time) is me being controlled by someone else.
(Yes, I am a rebel at some level still.)
But then I thought “This is ridiculous.” I am not in charge when I can’t even get up when I tell myself to.
It’s only 15 minutes later than when my alarm was supposed to go off.
But “only” is also what makes mediocrity stay on the throne.
Is it the best I can do? No, I can definitely get up on time. In fact, I could have gotten up at 5:24. Six extra minutes in my day would have done no harm.
But what does any of this have to do with parenting?
Not a lot, really. But it did make me think about how we are conditioned to think from an early age.
Do we follow through because there will be a consequence? Or do we do accomplish what we need to because there is a reward?
I am not a psychologist — but, I am the one who lives in my head, and I know certainly for me I tend to work harder when there is a definite reward waiting for me.
As children, we don’t always have the brain development available to think everything through completely, which is why we have parents. And why sometimes, we do need consequences.
But we are hard-wired more for reward than anything else. Even when there is a consequence, it is because we want to avoid the consequence that we do the task at hand. The reward is avoiding the consequence.
I recently heard an anecdote about a well-known writer and educator who mentioned the word “bribery” at a home-school conference. Bribery as a way to encourage children to do something.
She was not asked back to the conference.
Why? As someone who grew up in a home schooling culture that was steeped in a highly conservative worldview, I know exactly why she wasn’t asked back.
Bribery sounds like sin. Let’s be clear — bribery is an ethical problem when we’re talking about adults making business deals. But with children, it can be a reward system that actually works and helps develop healthy brain patterns that can give them a strong foundation on which to build habits that can help them succeed in life.
So to circle back.
“Why can’t we just do what we’re told?!”
It’s likely that we don’t believe in the end result enough.
Our brain doesn’t understand the reward firmly enough to choose the more disciplined approach over the natural human nature choice.
Instead of scolding ourselves (or our children) with questions that do no more than induce performance anxiety, it might be more helpful to think through the rewards of doing/not doing that particular behavior, and choose from there.
(And if you are overtired at 5:30 AM, it might be a problem of staying up a bit too late the night before.)
For any behavior we choose to engage in, there is, logically, the cumulative effect of that behavior on our future.
We owe it to ourselves to think through which behaviors will give us the best results for this one, short life we have to live.
